Knwong Yourself

There are people in my life who see me as being too analytical with my emotions and my thoughts - up to actually calling me "emotionless" or "dominated by indifference". I am not saying that they are wrong, because, in a way they are not. Yes, I do analyze - but the purpose of my analysis is what they are missing. 

1st. By analyzing why I react/feel in a certain way in a given situation, I put myself in the Now in a conscious way. 

2nd. By understanding my feelings and my emotions, I understand myself. I understand the mechanisms of my subconscious, my unconscious feelings and what makes me click. This way I am sure not to surprise myself in important situations. 

3rd. 
a. By understanding myself, I can accept myself, then love myself. I am no longer confusing my egoncentrism and my narcissism with love. By loving myself, I can love you. 
b. By understanding and loving myself, I become the Soul owner of my own feelings and emotions. I become the Soul owner of my destiny, because I have eliminated all the low vibration feelings (fear, lust, envy, jealousy, and so on). 

--
We all choose individually how to live the reality we are experiencing. I chose the path of awakening. There is no single road, a common recipe for each and every one. Some of us choose to live dominated by negative feelings, some of us choose . to live free from them. It's each and everyone's decision and we are entitled to our own choice.

I recently discovered that I have lost the ability to listen to my downers. Tonight I tried to get myself back into that mood (damn it, I miss ionut). Can't say that they did their job, but they helped me remember a couple of things. I will post a couple of them, explaining when, why and how they made it to my list. Isn't this a sort of catharsis?

Here's to the downer no.1 >> Archive - Controlling Crowds.




From the album with the same name, Controlling Crowds is a song that obsessed me for a couple of weeks in a row. I could listen to nothing but this. I would smoke, go to bed and try to make sense of things. The song managed to name, then exorcise some of my deepest fears. Back then I had this amazing, amazing friend with whom the verse "in your arms, cause i'm scared of their controlling crowds" was perfect. Because in his arms it was only natural to "refuse to follow".

Cake or Death?

Hatred driven people - do us, the people who choose love over hate, peace over war - do we deserve to breathe the same air as you? Do we deserve to live on the same planet as you? Do we have the right to see the beauty in others? Do we have the right to cry when we see the innocents suffering (which you detest because of your irrational and abstract hatred)? Where you see abstractions, we see faces and names! Where you see monsters we see children and parents! Think that you are also ruining the world we long for!

Longing

Where are you? Are you still with me? Do you know how much I miss you? How much I need you? How much I long for you?

You gave me happiness, you showed me beauty - can you possibly even begin to understand the changes you brought in me? 

You are my strength, my miracle. My hope when everything seems hopeless. 

Why have you abandoned me? 

Today on Love - Tatar Love Song, from Oi Va Voi

Today on Love - 100 Love Sonnets, Pablo Neruda

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close." 
- Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets -

Fortunate poor people II

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
- J.R.R. Tolkien - The Fellowship of the Ring

Fortunate poor people

There are some people in this world for whom things can't come just like that. Some people in this world have it rough in their lives, find many obstacles in their path - but I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. On the contrary - these difficulties bring out what is best, what is kind, what is beautiful inside them. 

Sometimes it gets difficult - no matter how wise one is, still it's rough to see around you people who have it easy and yet you have to struggle so much for every little achievement in your life. But this is how one learns to truly appreciate the valuable things in life - people are there for you when you are doing good - but those who stick around when you are doing not so good - those are the truly valuable people one should have around. So the first and most important thing is that you get to have valuable people around you. Second, one learns to appreciate the really valuable things in life - a shelter, food, clothes, even if you don't have the most expensive brands. Then very important - one learns to appreciate the beauty in others - the shell is ephemeral, the outer beauty fades away. But a beautiful soul and a beautiful mind remain forever.

I don't think such people are cursed or punished for something. I think such people are actually blessed - they gain a certain knowledge about the world which is not accessible to most people. They become wise. And God never lets such people down - if we look superficially they may have it hard on them; but on a closer look, the knowledge they gain from such a destiny is actually the most precious treasure one can have in life. 

For you...

Most of my adult life I have asked God one thing -  why and when is it going to stop? Then I understood something - everything happens for a reason. God wanted me to go through all my experiences so that I can learn. So that I can become a better person. OK, but why? I have asked as well so many times. Why is it worth trying to be a good, kind human being if I'm only going to get my ass kicked again and again? Then I learned one more thing - to pay attention to the course of events. Nothing was actually random - after one lesson came another lesson and another.
First I learned how to let go of my ego. Then I learned how to give freedom. Then I learned how to love without being selfish.
You know why? To be where I am right now. To have you in my life and show you in one thousands ways just how precious and incredibly amazing you are. How wonderful you are. So that I can see your beauty.
I am never alone, for I can sense your presence every moment. It is like you are permanently connected to me. And also you are not alone anymore, for I am there with and for you no matter what. 

This one goes out to the one I love

The last two days were a hell before leaving. I wasn't sure about anything and I only felt that I still needed some more time. Time to make you understand. But that hell ended the moment I heard you saying "You love me, I love you". From that moment I have stopped crying and peace of mind came instead.
What more can I ask God for now? You gave me your love - and my life is complete. I would be greedy if wanting anything else. You are part of me now and I can't think of my life otherwise. Part of my being, part of my soul. It feels that I'm settled now. There is nothing more I desire. All material things look so futile right now. I have risen in love and for this I have you to thank.
I drove around today and it was like you were there with me. I could only think about when you will be here with me, planning to show you the  life I'm willing to leave behind.
Everything I wanted from someone is there, with you. I can only love you. And the love I feel for you makes me feel like a better human being - because I love the most beautiful man on the face of the Earth. 

A tale of two...

 It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. (C. Dickens, A tale of two cities)